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Saturday, December 5th, 2009
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Why is it every time I move I get depressed right before it?
I think it's just, the fact I can pack my whole life in a set of boxes, and how depressing that is...
*lesigh*
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Friday, November 20th, 2009
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Just an odd thing I'm thinking about right now, and I really can't find a way to debate it.
Not that I want to, but anytime someone tells me something about myself I always look it over for truth before I accept it.
I was talking with a newer friend, and after a pretty rough night, we somehow got onto personalities. It was offered, if I wanted it, what his opinion on me was, and I figured why not.
He used my current main on WoW as a example, he pointed out Oara was a priest, I prefer to heal I lavish in it in fact and will fight for healing slot (while most other healers are like, I can heal.. but DPS is nice too!)
I'm always quick to be someone that is open, anyone can come to, and sometimes end up under a pile of opinions because everyone in the guild likes turning to me.
Overall, I just like to take care of people, I'm always making sure people are okay, I pike the roles that are that of taking care of the raid, my jobs I've told him of, as well as most of my happy stories are always taking care of people, things, ect.
...
Fact is it's true, and while I'm not always as fast, or as prompt to do things without prodding to remind me... I do care, and it's always very hard for me to accept help, or care. I want ot give but not take.
Hurm, I'm livingtodream, and I like to care about everyone else, before myself...
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Friday, November 13th, 2009
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Writing in the normal place I do when I have bits of anything that I don't have a home for over on wakeingdreamer.
Oddly it felt good to shake the dust off, but sadly it feels like delving back into a world I can't have again.
Meh, either way, it felt good to write again, and really that's what counts I think.
Now only if the insomnia would go away some time that wasn't when I should be awake, much rather sleep when I should be and be awake in daylight hours, not the other way around.
Oh but Uno in the last few days has turned into a major cuddle bug, that's helped when I can settle to sleep having him curl up on my back has immensely helped in my relaxing and not having nightmares.
It's been a while since I've had a normal dream, it's kinda nice to see I still can, even if it requires something warm and cuddly in my bed, fur and all.
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Tuesday, November 10th, 2009
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I want to say at the start of this, I adore all my friends, the few I have, and don't want any of you to take this as "OMG I'm scaring her, I can't tell her about last nights tie down party" or whatever.
No no no, I enjoy hearing any and all stories, lifestyles, anything.
However, I seem to have a magnet for attracting the most WTF friends at times.
Again I <3 you all, but just had a older friend contact me I've not talked to in a while and... just wow, haha few new stories under my belt that made me go "... buh? Well if that floats your boat?"
Where do I keep FINDING you people? I mean, I'm starting to think 'normal' is a fairy tail, not that I want to be/find boring old normal people. Just I don't think I have one normal friend out there!
:-P
Keep the WTF coming guys, just... yeah, haha, at least I can't say life is ever boring....
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Thursday, November 5th, 2009
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I'm lacking updates, bad me, I'll try to fix that soon.
I led a raid tonight, I was reallllly bored, so I went "hey lets do the old staring raid" (Naxx10) for badges, and the guild went, okie as did out collective channel (leftovers).
Somehow I gathered the masses rather then my guild leader (who was going and normally does that) and long story short once gathered I offered him lead or I'd keep it and he was like "meh you gathered them, you do it".
So off we went and pwned the place, only problem was K'lth because we where super melee heavy, but we even got him with some tricks (lucky charms, and pulling a melee off to heal/range dps even though it was his off spec).
Wasn't half bad, decent amount of embs, and it was a REALLY nice casual break from Uld/Toc raiding where one wrong breath wipes the raid, we got to laugh, good around and float at first one alt, then a few more, though loot sponging.
After my GL commented it was really nice to just focus on tanking, be able to goof off, explain only a few things and let me handle loot while he plowed ahead. Guess it lightened the stress off him, and I didn't mind, as while I was worried I'd mess up the whole, time, I really liked doing so and just the lack of stress in a fun run after a long day. Apparently I also got brownie points ++ (not that I need anymore, the guy thinks I'm a saint already), because not once did we butt heads, it was "what do you think" and "how about" when I tweaked groups, or changed dps/healers around, and we brought in new people to replaced the few that had to go. I meshed well, rather then being abrasive, so apparently ... I'm being slotted as the new 'fun run' person every few weeks or something.
Meh, I had fun that was the goal, the rest was cake, that and I keep knocking a friend (Zooozzzy) off the horse by dragging him along with us when he's on and bored XD.
However, I need to set my alarm to get some phone calls made in the morning, before I get bogged down with work in the afternoon and forget, as well as sort my crap and find out what I can sell, out of what is left of it before I go insane and depressive >.<
Yeah, it's been a odd few weeks, I really do need to catch people up...
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Friday, October 16th, 2009
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Everything sucks right now,
I have a birthday in 24 hours, and to be honest, I can't even bring myself to care.
It'll just be another day, in the life that is trying to do everything to make me misraible, and ever so slowly, is managing to do so.
Car still won't start, starting to think it's really dead this time.
Think my puppy has a seizure, I didn't see it but I walked in on his back end still tremoring and then he was VERY sedate for about 1 1/2 hours after it, not like him at all. He's still a bit 'off' but starting back on being a pest.
Oh and, My drink to have fun tonight, snowballed on me about 2 hours into the raid I was on. Wee...
I'd say "fuck me" but, then again I'd probably manged to mess that up somehow, so I'm just going to go ... find something to do that is mindless and might cheer me up.
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Tuesday, October 13th, 2009
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Or I could get to work and feel like a semi-truck ran me over.
Then my car won't start when they allow me to leave early
Meaning I had to drag my half dead self, home, via walking.
35-40ish mins later, I arrive feeling like I swear I got hit by a few cars on the walk. (No I didn't I just FEEL like it).
Fucccck and I'm going to have to at some point, walk back to fight with the car later, however that can wait until A) I work again or B) I feel healthy and happy (whatever comes first)
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Monday, October 12th, 2009
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Writing, it helped me shake off cobwebs, but I realized... I have no one to show it to.
Bah it seems kinda status quoa though, since it's not edited (still brain storming), and vampire stories (though not a new thing) have hit every major airway. The one I'm working on, is older then the surge in it's publicity, but... it makes me kinda meh about showing it since it's EVERYWHERE, mine's just another drop in the puddle.
*Sigh*
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Sunday, October 11th, 2009
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Really need to catch up, just been too scatterbrained the last few days.
Only main point I want to make, is my car bit it (or is trying to), it would not start, it wanted to but it just wouldn't.
I'm hoping I can coax i into starting today, and if it does I'm really hoping it'll start again in an hour when I really need to be at work (since if it won't start I need to have an hour to walk it sounds like, just to be safe, though it won't that really that long to walk).
That and I was approved for one of the online things my roommate linked me to, waiting on a second I found, neither will pay what my job does. HOWEVER it means I can earn some spare change and/or if things hit the fan, do something to keep going.
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Friday, October 9th, 2009
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I'm in grr mode, not sure why, but I've manged to piss off too many people in under 15 mins.
Woo -.-, great I'm el crabby on and off my meds, starting to think the meds didn't do anything but suppress the things I like.
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Tuesday, October 6th, 2009
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Why is it when I don't need it, I have no grace, I'm a walking klutz, ect.
However when I DO need it, I somehow make it though something that should have at LEAST broken something in my body, with little more then hurt pride and what feels like a slightly sore wrist, no more sore then if you bounced off a closing door or some such. Not like sprained/broke sore.
Went to sit in my chair like I always do, and was off balance or something because it pitched back before I was even seated, paniced, realized it was going over too quick to counter it back to normal, and that. There are alot of things to bash my head open on as I go backwards off it... so somehow, I manged hop/ride the fall and end up sitting crosslegged, on the back part of the chair (under my ass), with my hands down on either side. My head if it HAD gone where it was going before I somehow, mid air, saved myself, about a foot from the fridge behind me and my left elbow touching the lamp/my pile of pop bottles.
my right wrist hurts a bit, and I feel like my back should be going "oh god.. I'm not built for you to land like that) but otherwise, I'm fine, nothing hurts no bruises, nothing.
Now how can I do that, but still trip over my own feet while walking across a level floor with nothing on it?
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Saturday, October 3rd, 2009
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*mutters something intangible and stumbles out the door*
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Tuesday, September 29th, 2009
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Saw this on best-of and I think I've even posted it before but it NEVER get old and I think every time I see it, a few more have been added to it...
I've dealt with 90% of the things on here when I worked with the rescue, and some things not even listed (yet)
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Monday, September 28th, 2009
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I quit (Okay, dang it RENT is still way too ironed into my head.)
(Sorry about the spam today, just.. too many topics on my mind, again I apologize)
I hate what I lose on meds, My creativity, what feels like a huge chunk of me. Control of my emotions, and control of when I can 'let down' and lose it. Rather now I sit back and relize, my mind is done, I've worked everyone else share and my own, and I'm going in for what is likely to turn into a 12 hour shift with no lunch, knowing my luck, because I never have good luck when it counts.
I can't do what I need to in life without them. I need to work until I bleed, and keep working. This economy won't settle for less, I have to bend to the will of someone else, and work to the beat of everyone's drum but mine. My mind just, it can't conform to 12 hour shifts for base pay, it can't wrap around how I can drag my already bruised, sore, and beaten body back there again. How I can't even on suggestion of a roommate square my shoulders and ask to at least be compensated for my time properly. I've dealt with everything thrown at me, even being thrown from the horse (job move from grooming and what I love, to kennel work, pretty much slave labor with the perk of cuddling fuzzy things), and I climbed back on it.
I don't even have the will or the ability to walk in and quit, and my ... I don't even know what to call it? Sense of responsibility? I was raised to do what I commit to/and or promise? Hell if I know, I just know unless I wake up and can't get out of bed, I'll be there if I'm supposed to be, or have said I will.
What happened to well, almost a year ago, maybe a bit more?
Life was good, I loved what I did. I was shy about saying it but I did. Everything seemed so, perfect. I didn't know some things that I do now, that have made things better, however... I'd give that up to have that back. TO be able to go into work and laugh, to know my co-workers have my back. To feel like not only do my customers know me, they like me.
Now I'm a faceless drone, I'm not given enough freedom or confidence to meet the searching eyes, the eyes that look asking, does she care about my pet. Does she care about anything beyond the $$ behind what she makes off of me (or is she being paid flat rate, so there is nothing to make her want to care beyond the motions).
I had a spark of it, only twice since I've moved and started working. One was a dog I groomed her mom was very worried. I threw off the eyes I felt prying into me about what the 'new girl' was doing/saying and assured her I could handle him, told her my background and got a smile and I saw the wieght lift off her. Yes her dog was in good hands, this girl knows what she's doing and how to handle him. The other was two days ago, Mom was sick, the dog was too, we're isolation boarding him while they both recover. Mom'd never boarded before, dog's never been away from her.
Again, I stepped out of my box, to talk to her, assure her she'd get a report, she could call, he'd be fine. To see the look on her face, that someone else would care just as well for him. She was happy.
Both times I could feel eyes boring into me, the disapproving looks. How dare I step between the owner and the receptionist that had 'all the owner needs to know' I'm mere kennel help. I know nothing. what if I promise her something we can't do.
...
This is not what I do. I do customer service and I do it well. I serve and I want to serve, but... it seems odd even looking over what I've said already. I want to make a diffidence, is a better way to put it.
Breaking every bone in my body and scraping my knuckles raw means nothing, when I'm doing it because it saves some CEO, money. Or that my boss gets a raise, a bonus, because they can crack the whip and I jump.
When I do it for someone because I want to, to better the life of a pet, to make someone smile, to help someone who needs it, not someone that's just trying to save a buck by taking it out of my pocket...
I need no paycheck for that, I've worked rescue for years, never took a dime, never would, because of the feeling it gave me, the reward and pride that I made a difference.
However good feelings, and smiles don't pay the rent, they don't feed me, they don't feed and treat Uno. The keep me sane, but sanity doesn't pay the bills.
Meds, stiffles all that I am other then my core being. I can break my back for a dollar, medication keeps food on my table, and a roof over my head. It does not make me happy, it is like fuel in a car. It drives me, but it does not do anything else, and in fact the way I act on it, may be doing damage to me on the inside, where no one sees it until I break down.
I... I don't know what to do anymore but cry, and call my doctor and then the company that makes the meds I was on and enroll in their low cost/free program and resin myself to the fact, there is no place in this world for 'me' anymore, just drones.
but.. what kind of life is that? Sure I'm alive, but at what cost?
*sigh* I'm... I'm going to go try to do something to rise my mood, like consider the fact after the hell shift tomorrow, I appear, for the moment, to have two days off in a row (not sure when that changed but, I'm not going to scoff at it... I'm going to need it.
There is not a lot I post about the meds, and a lot I've bit back from talking about... I've only had a deep talk with one person about it, and to be honest, she didn't even know what to tell me. I'm not in the ideal situation to do what is best for my health, I'm not going to be ever I fear... so I get to make a choice, and none of the choices, lead to what *I* would want to be.
but... the world doesn't want people like me anymore, and if I'm going to live in it, then ... I guess I conform.
I need my puppy... but he's too sick to bother, he needs his rest.
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Pup is sick, I've hit the wall.
Pup is REALLY sick, I'm hoping it's the food change but I've never seen a dog get this sick (though I've heard of it...). I'm withholding food, so far he's made it outside or onto something wipe able (like he walked into his kennel the last time to do it). If it keeps up, I'll have to talk to work find out how much I'm looking at to just get him seen, bugest it tight since I get paid every 2 weeks and this is 'not paid' week and I have rent.
Frelll. Head hurts, might go offline for a while and just keep my phone with me just in case...
we'll see
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Sunday, September 27th, 2009
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Sleep did not go well, string of nightmares, one that made me jar myself awake so badly I was up a hour after I went to sleep. Took almost an hour and a half to calm down enough to try sleeping again. to the same result of nightmares, about the time I avoided them for more then 15 mins, I was jarred awake by my alarm, that I promptly ignored until I almost overslept.
So, tired.
Glad I work alone from 7-1, and get off at 3 (and get a 1 hour lunch, I'm guessing at 1 when Renee gets in...)
I REALLY wish I could get my dreams under control. None of this started until I started the ambient/sleeping pills for the insomnia, long before the zoloft. Before that I was lucky to remember on dream a month. Now it's almost every night and it's a matter of what I take to sleep, and how much.
Last night was I night I took nothing due to close-open shift meaning I'd not shed off the sleeping pills before my alarm.
Just sleeping pills alone, tend to make my sleep less deep, and choppy, but I can't jar awake and recall little of my sleep. If I do wake up early, I am groggy and almost drunk until I faceplant. If I mix in melatonin, I tend to slip really easy into sleep and almost right into REM. It calms my mind down like magic, however, I have vivid, imaginative dreams that can be... from WTF, to nightmare. I tend to have NO control of waking myself out of it, and wake up terrified for sleeping again (but feeling wonderfully well rested).
Sucks because it seems like the only way to insure I'll sleep is to take both, however I dread sleeping and avoid it until I have to. Wish I could figure out how to go back to not recalling the dreams (I know before I used to dream, but within about.. 15 mins or getting up, I'd not recall a damn thing, good or bad, now, I do and can tell you easily 5 different nightmares from last night, one of them being hit in the face while being taunted with 'what are you going to do about it?" and some reason I could not defend myself (I jared myself awake out of that one, trying to do so).
Time to take the pup out, then get my ass to work to let everyone out, and get them breakfast before I realize how tired I am
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Saturday, September 26th, 2009
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I don't wanna go to work, my back is killiing me.
I think I'm the only one closing though so, I don't get a choice.
Going to load up on the pain killers and just try to move slow, if it gets too bad I'll ask politely to go home.
I'm not sure what I did either, I was fine yesterday fine when I went to bed, woke up this morning and could not even uncurl to get out of bed.
x.O
WTB new body, this one is broke, willing to do trade to lower price!
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It's raining her, and oddly turning off all the lights, unplugging anything that makes sound, and just.. listening to it is calming...
It must be the country girl in me, I like thunder, I like rain (just don't let me see lighting... I like it, it's pretty but, I grew up with a mother was almost struck twice (as in feet from her, swear it was god warning her or something) so she flinches, and I learned the behavior, oops)
It... helps when I feel alone, and when I'm feeling stupid. Just a bit.
*Sigh*
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Sunday, September 20th, 2009
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My puppy has gas that could kill, I think next bag of food we change foods....
this is not normal dog fart, this is melt the paint off the wall, stank.
*gags* air, I need AIR
I'm dieing over here, not once but TWICE he's made an autiable noise, once while sleeping once while pouncing me. His, poo, is fine so I know it's not necessarily allergies or anything, he's just, gassy Mc. Puppy.
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Friday, September 18th, 2009
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I need someone with an unbiased opinion, time to sit and talk frankly with me, and hurm...
Tact to not let me withdraw, but also not push me in a way that makes me panic, put my masks on just to make them go away ect.
To be honest, I need a trip to MN, and whatever the fee is to talk to Jan again, but since without insurance, but at their rate.. it's 78ish something...
I'm betting it's minmum $100 and just no way I'd take that from anyone, on top of a ticket, because my car is doing it best impression of a dieing mammal...
So, I need to settle for someone I can talk to, that might not have PhD, or whatever Jan had... because I, I don't know why I'm not willing to go to a free clinic, and hash out my issues, AGAIN, but I'm just tired of havering to talk to a stranger then move, and start with a new one.
However, I already know who I can't talk to, for personal reasons or just I know they'll push the wrong button they have before.
To be honest, the person that comes to mind, scares the shit out of me... because either it'll help, or it'll spiral me into hell. Both, scare the shit out of me.
So rather... I'm asking someone who might know a little about me, and is willing to deal with someone who's panicked, and scared, easily chased away by things rational people arn't...
I know I'm asking for someone that doesn't exist but just asking for it... helps, some.
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