magic proff

okay then

Dear fucktard that tried to "hack" my account
I have notifications on, I still care about my history/life that's blogged here. Even if I don't post here my past is mine.

I kicked you off, before you did any damage (I think).

If anyone got spam/comments from this account today it WAS NOT ME, it was some jerkwad.

I updated everything needed to kick them off including kicking their session offline from the status page.
Won't be hearing from me again unless soemthing like this happens again. Though I doubt it will because my new pass it much more secure (not that my old one WASN'T, it must have taken a LONG TIME of being rejected or locked out and/or security issues with LJ for it to be guessed).
  • Current Mood
    moody moody
magic proff

....

I'm surprised I even remember the password for this anymore.

Just posting this here because a few people have found this over the last year and told me the tagged it just in case, so I should use it for "big" issues or events.

July 31 I will be homeless, be it living in my van or in a homeless shelter I don't know yet.
All I know is I have nothing left, I have no one left, and the only reason I even have food to eat is food stamps.

If my application with the homeless shelter isn't approved...
Well, I guess, I'll be sleeping in my van in whatever areas around here it isn't illegal (as to discourage homeless around here, most county's have made it).

I miss my dog, I can't stop crying.

What the fuck happened to my life?
When I'm unstable, I may lose friends, and have shit fits, and hurt myself, but at least I wasn't jobless and homeless...
Now I'm "stable" but ... to what good? I can't find a job, I can't find a place to live, and because of the lack of a job I don't trust that I can care for another service dog.

I'm all alone.

If there is a god(s) up there, why me?

So yeah, I have a working laptop, with a 3 year (2 1/2 years left) replacment warenty on it that covers ANYTHING other then theft, and wifi is easy as fuck to find so... my e-mail/facebook/internet related stuff will always be open. I just might be slow to reply as I'll probably only be on a few hours once a day, maybe every other day...

We'll see...

I'm a fucking wreak.

What's even worse, is if I wasn't "stable" I might even qualify for a roof over my head in a psych ward, but I focused TOO hard on getting "better". Now I don't because I'm not a danger to myself, or others.

Fucking ironic.

I miss Magic, I miss Mayhem, and I miss Uno, hell I miss even all my fosters.
magic proff

Updated to end all updates?

I know I've not been on here in a while *glances at cobwebs* most of my friends have moved on to other places (FB, or just stopped posting on online things altogether)

I rarely twitter and it still ends up here when I do.
I randomly post on face book, most people already have me added, if you don't and you know you aren't on my shit list (really only 2 people are, and I'm sure they know who they are), add me, easy way is to use my e-mail (Kandriamage@yahoo.com)

I still am in most the other places people would look (WoW, CS, ect)

This I guess it to sum up for anyone that I may have missed what is been going on.

I won't lie, life too a BAD turn, there where days, hell week spans, I could not lift my head up.
I went on meds, that like before helped for a month or two then flat lined, no ammount of dosages raised stoped the hell. Doctors scoffed at how it could not be working when it had for months.

I finally made a break though when I ended up calling a doctor in hysterics after even a low dose of xanax would not touch the panic attacks.
At that point I got the referral needed, to get my meds checked, I got upped onto Clonpin for the panic attacks and my other meds cut back.

Nowadays I'm med free, not of choice, just lack of insurance still. However going off the meds, did not break me like it has before. It was a smooth transition, and while I still have sever panic attacks they've cut from 5 days or more a week to maybe two a month.

So really I feel I'm finally stable, for now. I have friends keeping a hawk eye on me and when I do slip they're there to support, and threaten when I'm bad, to take me to the ER. So far I've snapped back before it was needed, but to finally feel like, if I lose it, someone WILL get me to help, I can't tell you how much peace that brings me.

I bounced around, from living with one of my best friends, to back to my mom's, to a move to WV, around the panhandle area (WV/OH/PA). I'm in my own place...

oh and I can't forget to mention, though all of it. I've met, friend-ed, then fell in love with a guy.

He's seen my bad side, he's seen my panic, he's seen my good side, and even my catty side.
None of it has even flustered him, it's all taken in stride, and I swear he has a calming effect on me. No matter how worked up I get, give him 5 mins or so to evaluate my mood, and he always knows how to approach me and break down any aggravation, or hate, and bring my back to earth.

My comfort level around him, has been surreal, at no point have I shied at anything, be it telling him how I feel, or my past. To walking around, looking for pants, or whatnot. I never feel insecure, I never feel judged, and most of all, I never feel threatened or afraid.

From what I've been told, it's been the same for him. Granted it means at times we both sit there and go "how am I able to do this when I've never been able to around even own family?" but, I don't think that's a bad thing!

I've never flet this way, I've thought I've been in love before. However, after experiencing it at this level... I've never truly been in love before this. Infatuated? Trusting? Friends? Sure but... not love.

Eh I'm babbling, so I guess in wrap up? I'm happy, I'm doing better, I'm with someone I love, and I'm alive.

That's what counts, right?

Can't say if/when I'll update here again.

http://www.formspring.me/Kandriamage
magic proff

ugh...

Yeah I just never have the heart to update anymore...

Is it bad when the environment I'm in is so bad, I'm to the point being homeless would be BETTER for my mental health then this?
I would get into it, but what's the point?
It's not going to get me a job, or the ability to get out of said situation other then to go homeless.
I refuse, and still do to take handouts, I'm working my ass off to try to get work but even places that are hiring when I do whatever form of song and dance they want to apply, don't reply.
I'm sure they're flooded with people like me willing to take minimum wage JUST to have SOMETHING to do.

Nothing is working, the house I'm in is going to sharrif sale next month, and I'm only not a mental wreak because of the help I got last year in councilor, that now that my insurance kicked in (on he 1st) I'm working on finding out if I can get back into (I can, it's just the programed changed THIS MONTH, the same month my insurance kicked in, so all the phone numbers changed, and not all the lines are updated, and so on, and this we the week I babysat (for free because my brother STILL refuses to get me the paperwork to get paid to do it, because of Noah's situation...). So I didn't have time to see if the new program, requires approval for counciling or if like doctor apts, I just go.

I know I'm in the same boat as 90% of the unemployed, but, having an abusive brother that won't go after me now, because I kicked his ass when he did. Now he just goes after everyone else (Mom, Kids, Dogs that aren't mine), and just, no one will fucking stand up to him, and so on.

As I told mom, if he goes after Bella (mini foster aussie) one more time, I'm not watching his kids again, period, I don't care if it means Mom can't work either. I Don't do favors for abusive assholes.

I'll stop now because I'm really not being productive and just being detrimental to my own mental state.
magic proff

dreams...

Nightmares .. why I even keep going back to sleep baffles me 3 hours of sleep before I coudln't go back to sleep.

1. Was weird because I was in a car with people I knew, but could not ID. I was in the front passenger seat, and we where driving along a road that was along a coast and I could see the ocean but it was semi frozen over. The radio started to warn about a air bubble trapped under the ice that was going to cause it to explode upwards.
Right as we drove onto a bridge, that was spaning over the ice towards the north pole.
The ice erupted as we did so and we plunged into the water. Panicked we huddled in hopes of a air bubble but we car flooded. The radio working perfectly fine blasted about kicking out windows in case of car under water.
I turned in the water, panicked, and kicked as hard as I could with my heel, nothing, tried the window up/down lever, nothing. As I panicked more I snapped away gasping and it took me a moment to come around I wasn't drowning.

2. Can't recall how it started, but ended up in my dad's first house I can recall him living in. Things where going like a typical visit when I was school aged and went there. When something happened and my brother killed my dad, then sliced open my hip. I recall looking at it, gushing blood but not hurting then looking at him. He recoiled back because I wasn't, well, dead or in pain or such. I thought about going to the tub to stop the blood but instead somehow got a sword and started hunting his ass down in the house, along with monsters or something. I ended up cutting his head off too, and then running outside not sure what to do.
I'm hazy on the in between but I was still gushing blood then my dad, who didn't look like him but I knew it was him, was alive again and apologizing I had to see all that, and wanted a hug. I didn't trust him so I attacked him too and i haze out on the rest but I recall i didn't kill him because he started crying or something then I did hug him and just woke up going "wtf".

I'm blanking on what the 3rd was, but I woke up out of that one panicked too and went "fuck it" and got out of bed before the sun was even up (5am ish)

I can kinda tell you where some of the ideas in my head came from, but NONE of them where anything like where the idea came from in my head by the time it was nightmarish.
magic proff

...

Anyone know how to locate housing when you have no job? outside of homeless shelters that is...

I was attacked where I live today, thank what gods there might be, I have a knee jerk defense reaction.
However living under the same roof as someone that put hands on me, to try to hurt and made me for the first time ever outside of training hit someone in defense...
I cried for 45 mins, unable to stop sobbing, because I was SO upset I hit someone...

I just, mentally I'm going to be dead if I live here much longer, because this will destroy my brain.
magic proff

...

I know I haven't posted in a while

I guess I just ran out of things to say. I'd promise an update, but even I am not so stupid to think I'd do so in any timely matter.

Plus, it seems anything I do anymore is a crutch, and everyone around me changes once they know me. So what's the use anymore?
Hell, I've lost friends over stupid stuff. I'm too scared to reach out to them again, and new contacts, faded and changed shortly after I got to know them.
and not in the "showed a true face" change, because they all had something bad happen to them. Oddly none of it seemingly related to me.

However, in the case of one. I really, hate, how close I get to those I can share a common memory with, because... Honestly, I feel like I can't help someone I can't reach and his reaction was the same as an old friends...
When hurt came, he attacked everyone, problem was. I was the closet one to take the pain.
and I kept coming back for more, until he stopped hitting. In a virtual sense.

Problem is, I'm not sure he ever recovered from it, and has since withdrawn. Still in contact but, not like it was. I fear he thinks he lost a shoulder to cry on, when it's still right here. Also about the time I was able to break the shield down and get some sense though to him I wasn't mad... He went and got into a major accident real life that's sidelined his career, and health for a bit.

bah I'll shut up now since this seems cryptic, and really, I can't do shit about it, other then stop trying to make friends since either I, or something out there, seems to hurt them.

Up side on the whole shit rolling downhill is I seem to have hit the bottom of the hill, for now. However now, am I shoving my friends down it too?

Bah, who knows, my brain is so muddled nowdays (and I'm not even taking anything, or drinking anymore), I can't even make sense of myself.
magic proff

Removed the voice post...

Didn't like the fact people could hear my voice crack twice.

I had to put down CeCe today, 9 months she made it, 9 months she fraught but it was too much this time.
We're not 100% sure what caused it but her chest filled with fluid, the kind her body made, not something due to an infection. None of the reasons for it really panned into anything we could treat, and compound with her FeLuk+ it would be hell for her to recover.
The #1 reason as well her body might do this, was cancer or FeLuk, but no matter what caused it, it was not treatable with anything that coupled with her illness would be anything near quality of life for her (that and she nailed the vet, and techs, just trying to do x-rays and draw the fluid to test it... draining her chest, so full that she only could use 20% of her lungs, would have been hell for everyone).
Her chest filled in a matter of days, 2 maybe 3 to this point, I had to make the call. I hate making the call.

She died with me, she died doing what she always did, protesting.

Sleep in peace CeCe, we did what we could, and in the end, we gave you the quietest end we could when it was too much for you.
magic proff

dootdodo

Why is it every time I move I get depressed right before it?
I think it's just, the fact I can pack my whole life in a set of boxes, and how depressing that is...

*lesigh*
magic proff

Hello, I'm a caregiver?

Just an odd thing I'm thinking about right now, and I really can't find a way to debate it.
Not that I want to, but anytime someone tells me something about myself I always look it over for truth before I accept it.

I was talking with a newer friend, and after a pretty rough night, we somehow got onto personalities. It was offered, if I wanted it, what his opinion on me was, and I figured why not.

He used my current main on WoW as a example, he pointed out Oara was a priest, I prefer to heal I lavish in it in fact and will fight for healing slot (while most other healers are like, I can heal.. but DPS is nice too!)

I'm always quick to be someone that is open, anyone can come to, and sometimes end up under a pile of opinions because everyone in the guild likes turning to me.

Overall, I just like to take care of people, I'm always making sure people are okay, I pike the roles that are that of taking care of the raid, my jobs I've told him of, as well as most of my happy stories are always taking care of people, things, ect.

...
Fact is it's true, and while I'm not always as fast, or as prompt to do things without prodding to remind me... I do care, and it's always very hard for me to accept help, or care. I want ot give but not take.

Hurm, I'm livingtodream, and I like to care about everyone else, before myself...