Living To Dream (livingtodream) wrote,
Living To Dream

Updated to end all updates?

I know I've not been on here in a while *glances at cobwebs* most of my friends have moved on to other places (FB, or just stopped posting on online things altogether)

I rarely twitter and it still ends up here when I do.
I randomly post on face book, most people already have me added, if you don't and you know you aren't on my shit list (really only 2 people are, and I'm sure they know who they are), add me, easy way is to use my e-mail (

I still am in most the other places people would look (WoW, CS, ect)

This I guess it to sum up for anyone that I may have missed what is been going on.

I won't lie, life too a BAD turn, there where days, hell week spans, I could not lift my head up.
I went on meds, that like before helped for a month or two then flat lined, no ammount of dosages raised stoped the hell. Doctors scoffed at how it could not be working when it had for months.

I finally made a break though when I ended up calling a doctor in hysterics after even a low dose of xanax would not touch the panic attacks.
At that point I got the referral needed, to get my meds checked, I got upped onto Clonpin for the panic attacks and my other meds cut back.

Nowadays I'm med free, not of choice, just lack of insurance still. However going off the meds, did not break me like it has before. It was a smooth transition, and while I still have sever panic attacks they've cut from 5 days or more a week to maybe two a month.

So really I feel I'm finally stable, for now. I have friends keeping a hawk eye on me and when I do slip they're there to support, and threaten when I'm bad, to take me to the ER. So far I've snapped back before it was needed, but to finally feel like, if I lose it, someone WILL get me to help, I can't tell you how much peace that brings me.

I bounced around, from living with one of my best friends, to back to my mom's, to a move to WV, around the panhandle area (WV/OH/PA). I'm in my own place...

oh and I can't forget to mention, though all of it. I've met, friend-ed, then fell in love with a guy.

He's seen my bad side, he's seen my panic, he's seen my good side, and even my catty side.
None of it has even flustered him, it's all taken in stride, and I swear he has a calming effect on me. No matter how worked up I get, give him 5 mins or so to evaluate my mood, and he always knows how to approach me and break down any aggravation, or hate, and bring my back to earth.

My comfort level around him, has been surreal, at no point have I shied at anything, be it telling him how I feel, or my past. To walking around, looking for pants, or whatnot. I never feel insecure, I never feel judged, and most of all, I never feel threatened or afraid.

From what I've been told, it's been the same for him. Granted it means at times we both sit there and go "how am I able to do this when I've never been able to around even own family?" but, I don't think that's a bad thing!

I've never flet this way, I've thought I've been in love before. However, after experiencing it at this level... I've never truly been in love before this. Infatuated? Trusting? Friends? Sure but... not love.

Eh I'm babbling, so I guess in wrap up? I'm happy, I'm doing better, I'm with someone I love, and I'm alive.

That's what counts, right?

Can't say if/when I'll update here again.

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